Cold Turkey

Starting in Nov, 2013 I got very, very fed up with everything related to food and diet. I couldn’t (just could not) bear to start one more diet. But my eating was getting out of control. It wasn’t that I felt I needed to or wanted to lose weight (I have long given up on that pipe dream) but that I needed to control my food addiction.

Note: I am not a nutritionist, doctor, or psychologist. Everything on this site is based on my personal experience and research and is my own opinion, not fact. My words should not be a substitute for your own research and experience and should never, ever take place of the advice of a professional. 

cold_turkey

Where does this expression even come from?

Food addiction is like, yet not like, other addictions. Some people may be offended that I compare food addiction to drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling, or smoking. I can kind of see their point, but there are many similarities. I am not a counselor or psychologist, but it seems to me that the loss of personal power to the addiction is common to all types of addiction, for example. When you do something you absolutely don’t want to do, knowing there will be dire consequences, but can’t help yourself, that is addiction.

Another way food addiction is like other addictions is that it is rarely about the substance involved. There are many physiological and psychological factors that contribute to the addiction. Just dealing with the addiction alone will rarely get long-term results. You need to address the underlying issues if you truly want to break free of your addiction.

Food addiction is not like other addictions, however by one pivotal fact: You can’t stop eating all together. Most addictions require physically breaking free from the abused substance or action. For some addictions it is recommended to go “cold turkey” or by gradual release by cutting back little by little or using alternative medications as a replacement. But you can’t do that with food. You can’t just stop eating all together.

foodpostitMy original plan was to go as close to “cold turkey” for food as I could. I thought if I could just get away from eating for a while I could get myself under control. I started to research different food replacement programs such as energy bars and shakes. The more I read, the less impressed I was. Most of the meal replacements, even supposed low-calorie ones, were filled with sugars, chemicals, and unnecessary fats. I didn’t think these foods would make me feel any better than what I was already eating.

My next thought was to just simplify. I would focus only on a few key foods that would provide me the requisite nutrition I needed. Again, lots of research led me to a few conclusions. The foods had to be whole, natural foods, not processed foods. That had to be easy to make and be portable so that I could fit them into my crazy life.  They had to cover all the nutrients that I would need and balance into the right amount of calories, proteins, fats, and carbs. They had to be naturally proportioned so that I would eat the right servings. They couldn’t be too tasty or I would overeat them. They couldn’t be too un-tasty (is that a word) or I wouldn’t be able to keep it up.

I love self-serve frozen yogurt. My trick is to put fresh fruit in first and then top with yogurt. This keeps my yogurt portion lower than my fruit portion. Plus coats the fruit with yummy yogurt.

I love self-serve frozen yogurt. My trick is to put fresh fruit in first and then top with yogurt. This keeps my yogurt portion small, and coats the fruit with yummy yogurt.

Once I had my list of foods, the plan was to stick to the program for two weeks to “detox” and then figure out what I wanted to do next. I had a vague idea of going back to weight watchers or something like that once I was “on track.”  That never happened.

After a month I was surprised at how easy it was to stick to the plan. After two months I began to think this might be a long-term solution for me. I have massaged and changed my plan over time, altered my foods slightly, and even allowed certain types of “cheats” that don’t completely derail me (hello, frozen yogurt).

It has now become a way of life. Every day I eat the same breakfast and lunch. For dinner, I allow more variety, but focus on key foods and stick to my rules: whole foods, low-fat proteins, fresh veggies, limited high-fiber carbs, avoid wheat, sugar, and processed foods.

I am almost never hungry and rarely tempted to cheat. Occasionally I will have something not on the list (homemade pizza, ice cream cake, etc) but it is rare, the servings are small, and I make sure the treat is worth it.

This is not a diet. I try not to use that word. This is a way for me to deal with my personal food addiction and issues. The result has been, I feel healthier, I have more energy, I am sick less, and I feel empowered. I also know how easy it would be to slide back into my addictive habits. I am not cured. I am convinced that I must stay this course for the rest of my life, or risk falling back into the world where food controls me.


		
Advertisements

Unit Foods

I have said a few times on this blog how I just couldn’t deal with another diet again and maybe I’ve been a bit negative about my time on Weight Watchers. The truth is, I once lost over 100 lbs on Weight Watchers. I kept it off for years, too, until I didn’t and gained it all back (plus a little extra). For me, the problem with WW is that it becomes a game: What can I get away with and still lose weight. Also, it focuses so much on the weight loss, which becomes counter-productive. You can only maintain that for so long.

Technically a cookie is a unit food. You aren't going to eat one and a quarter cookies are you? Let's be clear: Just being a unit food doesn't make it healthy. It just makes it easy to measure.

Technically a cookie is a unit food. You aren’t going to eat one and a quarter cookies are you? Let’s be clear: Just being a unit food doesn’t make it healthy. It just makes it easy to measure.

I did learn some helpful things in WW, that I continue to use today. Going to all those meetings, I learned a lot about what is in foods. I had this one leader, Margot, that I loved. She was the only leader I ever met that made sense to me. Among her many words of wisdom, she taught me the term “unit food.”

unit food is a food that comes in single serving size. You don’t have to measure or weigh. You just get one unit. Food’s that are naturally unit foods are apples, eggs, and hot dogs. While it is possible to eat half of an apple or two eggs, you don’t accidentally consume an extra 2 oz of these foods when you serve yourself. The advantage of unit foods is you aren’t fooling yourself.

yogurtSome foods can be purchased as unit foods. For example, the Fage® yogurt that I eat every single day comes in single serve containers. I also purchase frozen yogurt (Healthy Choice) and Sabra Hummus in single serve. Frequently these foods are more expensive, because you are paying for the wrapping. However, it is worth it. When I buy a large (multi-serve) container of yogurt, for example, I find it is a struggle to make sure I have the proper serving. Some days I’m a little more generous than others. So it is better for me to pay a little extra and have a serving I can just grab-and-go.

Some foods aren’t available as unit foods or are too expensive that way. Whenever I can, I try to make my own unit foods. For example, I buy a big bag of almonds and measure out 1 oz into snack-size plastic bags. I also make a big pot of rice and beans every week, and then measure out single servings into plastic containers.  Technically they aren’t unit foods, but once I’ve measured and sealed them, they sort of are. It isn’t likely that I’m going to open up another plastic container and eat a few bites of rice and beans. If there was a big pot or bowl of it, I probably would, but once it’s been sectioned out, I pretty much can stick to the sections.

All of this is to say, you need to find tricks that work for you to get control over the food. For me, it’s unit foods and eating the same thing for breakfast and lunch every single day. For you it might be something else.

5 Lessons I’ve Learned From Fitbit®

Of course mine is pink. That's the point, right?

Of course mine is pink. That’s the point, right?

Without my Fitbit® I wouldn’t even have a 3,000,000 step challenge. I got mine as a gift two Christmases ago when I was trying (again!) to get back to Weight Watchers. I thought it would help motivate me, but I had no idea how much this tiny technology would change my life.

I got very sick shortly after getting my Fitbit. I was in and out of the hospital twice and had major abdominal surgery. There were several weeks where walking 1,000 steps seemed an unreachable challenge. During my early convalescence I couldn’t wear the Fitbit because I couldn’t wear anything on my waist, but after a few days I was able to put it on.  I remember my first goal was 250 steps. Each one was painful. But within a week I was able to walk over 1,000 steps and within a month I was up to 5,000 steps.  And that was my first lesson learned:

I will survive this, and be stronger for it.

Over the past year and a half, I have used my Fitbit religiously. I wear it all the time. Normally it is hooked on my pant waistband or belt. When I wear dresses I attach it under the dress right on my underwear. I even wear it to bed, on the waistband of my pajamas. I don’t have one of the fancy, new Fitbit products that track sleep, but I like to know that if I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, the Fitbit will record my 18 steps. You know- just in case!

And in reflection, I’ve gotten a lot more than a counting of steps from this little device. Here are some other lessons learned:

Every day is a new start

The Fitbit recounts to zero every day at midnight, regardless of what my day has been like. Whether I’ve had a good day or a bad one, whether I’ve walked 10 steps or 10,000, tomorrow is whole new day. This helps me put the past behind me. I look at every day as a clean slate. It is what I do today that matters. I can’t fix yesterday, I can’t go back and change my decisions or actions, but neither can I rest on my laurels. And I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. The only thing I can control is what I’m doing right now, today.

A step is a step

The Fitbit doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care if I run 2,000 steps in 11 minutes or walk them briskly in 15 minutes, or meander slowly for 30 minutes. It simply counts each step equally. Likewise, it doesn’t care if I sit on my butt all day and then run my steps in one long run, or if a stop and start a hundred times. Each step counts as one step. This helps me pace myself, both in fitness and in life. Being the fastest, the strongest, the smartest isn’t necessarily being the best. Endurance and perseverance are rewarded in the long-term. I try to remember that with my work and my personal life as well. The number one quality that “winners” all share is they don’t quite and they don’t give up.

Every step counts

Footprints In The SandIn Weight Watchers they tell you that even little things make a big difference, like parking at the far end of the parking lot or walking up stairs rather than taking the elevator. Until I had my Fitbit, I didn’t really see how little things like that could make a difference. But now I do.

I always park at the farthest spot in the lot, just for those extra 40 or 50 steps. And I always choose the stairs over the elevator when I have a choice. When going around town, I frequently think “Should I walk or drive?” If I won’t be carrying anything heavy, I usually choose walking.

I also walk now in times and places where I used to sit: While waiting for a train or planes, for example. I walk up and down the train platform and I’ve literally done miles in airports waiting for planes. Or on my lunch break. I used to sit and check Facebook, but now I’m more likely to walk around the block, or (as I did last week) around the aisles of the auditorium. I’m surprised at how many times and places I’ve found to add a few extra steps to my day.

Everyone needs friends

I was the first of my friends and family to get a Fitbit, but it wasn’t long before my circle of Fitbit friends grew. First my mom got one. Then she got one for my daughter. I got one as a gift for my friend, who convinced her daughter to get one. Little by little my circle of friends grew. We “cheer” each other on and send supportive messages. Sometimes seeing how many steps my friends are doing gives me just a little encouragement to go another half mile.

A talisman has the power you give it

I may be obsessive, but I touch my Fitbit about a 100 times a day. Maybe more. I’ve probably touched it 5 times during the writing of this article. When I first started wearing it, I would touch it from time to time to make sure it was still there and hadn’t fallen off somehow. Over time I started just touching it just to make sure I had remembered to wear it, or to remind myself to exercise. Soon, though, I found it had become a reassuring habit. Touching my Fitbit reminds me of my journey, of my commitment to myself. Touching it reminds me that I am in control and helps me feel empowered. Over time it has become more than a tool for fitness, but the touchstone of that part of my life.

Brooke Refuses to Be Body Shamed

So I came across a post on my Facebook feed: It was about a woman who lost over 170 pounds. She was going to be featured on Shape Magazine’s website, only to be told they wouldn’t use her picture unless she sent one with her stomach covered. I see these things a lot, and wondered how legit the story was, so I researched and came across the original blog: Brooke Not On A Diet.

brooke

The picture on the left was published on Self Success Stories, December, 2012. The picture on the right is Brooke, who they told to cover up!

I was excited at first that Brooke had lost 170 pounds by not dieting, but it turns out she is doing Weight Watchers, which is fine and doesn’t take away from her accomplishment, but it certainly is a diet, in my book.

I liked reading her blog post, because she includes the emails back and forth from Shape, which the original article didn’t include. These emails are very revealing. The reporter from Shape insists that the request has nothing to do with Brooke’s body, but is part of their editorial policy for these types of stories.

Being the fact-checker I am, I found that Shape’s “editorial policy” that doesn’t allow them to post regular people unless “fully clothed” is either a very recent addition, or completely bogus, because I went through their Success Stories.

It seems odd that this magazine is worried about a woman's midriff showing.

It seems odd that this magazine is worried about a woman’s midriff showing.

While it is true that most of the recent pictures show people with covered bellies, I did find a pic of a woman in just a sport’s bra. There were many others of this genre when you went back in time, but it does look like (other than this one pic) all the photos in the last year show people covered up – which seems odd  (but not at all surprising) for a magazine whose covers almost universally show women in bikinis.

Here’s the thing that really struck me, though. I admire Brooke for ability to accept her body as it is. A lot of women would have either covered up or bemoaned that they needed surgery to get rid of the skin, but she stands there proudly, looking beautiful, and stands up to the glossy media giant (they are owned by the same company that publishes The National Enquirer, Start, and The Globe, btw). I love seeing her confidence and admire her ability to tell it like it is.

Update: 5/13/14

Today Show Interview – Watch this video to see Brooke and Shape editor meet on the Today Show. Shape not only apologized (throwing the reporter under the bus in the process), but is also showcasing her (and five other women) in their magazine discussing what happens after weight loss.

Ready To Share Again.

In which the purple line indicates fluctuation in my weight, and the blue and green graphs track my exercise.

In which the purple line indicates fluctuation in my weight, and the blue and green graphs track my exercise.

This post has been a long time coming. Months actually. I’ve rehearsed the content over and over in my mind of what I wanted to write, but I wasn’t quite ready to commit. So much has changed. If you follow my twitter (@fatnforty) you know I’ve tried so many things. I’ve been exercising, eating new things, trying to be more accepting of who I am.

Over the past year or so I’ve started (and not finished) many posts, trying to explain where I was and where I wanted to go. But I wasn’t ready to share.
I think now I am. Too much has happened but here is a brief timeline of my thinking, and the results that it brought on:

  • In which I lost weight slowly but surely. This was 2012. There were several months of really doing well on Weight Watchers (the old standby). I started running several times a week (beginning what would be a complicated relationship with exercise).
  • In which I did everything right but still gained weight. This was the end of 2012. It turns out there was a legit medical reason why I was gaining weight, but I didn’t know it at the time. I saw several doctors who told me I was fine and didn’t believe me when I said I was exercising and dieting but still gaining weight. I was angry and depressed. I also thought I was going a little bit crazy.
  • In which I very sick. Cue one year ago. I thought I might have cancer. I was freaking out. I was pretending it was no big deal, but I was seriously freaking out.
  • In which I almost died. I was supposed to have an operation to see if it was Cancer but I had a major reaction to the antibiotic they gave me and nearly died. And then I had to go back a few weeks later to actually have the surgery. It wasn’t Cancer, but I was in too much pain to really appreciate it. It took me weeks before I could walk more than a few steps. Food was whatever I could keep down. My weight was such a non-issue. All I wanted was to be able to walk a quarter mile without feeling like I was going to pass out.
  • In which I thought I could go back to my old life and routines, but I was wrong. I tried over and over to start up diet again, but my heart wasn’t in it. I think the health scare crossed some wires. I ate as if I was never going to eat again. I did keep working on my exercise. Slowly adding distance and speed.
  • In which I decided I wouldn’t care about diet, but just focus on exercise. I joined a gym. I wore my fitbit. I worked out three, four, five, or more days a week. I went one month where I did over 10,000 steps a day for 30 days. I accepted I would always be fat, but if I was fat and could run two or three miles, I must be healthy, right?
  • In which I overdid it and wore myself out. I actually ran 8 miles one day. It was not good. I overdid it. I didn’t feel it until I stopped, and then I couldn’t move. I didn’t run for a week. Then two weeks. Then I slowly started over, working my way up to a mile again, as if I had never done anything. I got a personal trainer, tried yoga, started stretching, but kept myself in check. Never running more than 4 days per week. Increasing distance slowly.
  • In which I realized that I had gained a huge amount of weight. Exercise alone wasn’t cutting it. Food was becoming a terrible addiction. I didn’t like how I was eating. Clothes weren’t fitting and exercise was getting harder, not easier. I needed to do something.
  • In which I am trying something unexpected, and I think it is working.

More to follow.

My Easter Resolution

So I missed New Year’s (actually I guess I missed a whole year) so I’m going to try for an Easter resolution. In a way that makes more sense as Easter is a time for rebirth and that is about how I feel right now. I’m being reborn as a new person.
20130331-121346.jpg
A lot has happened since my last post, a year ago. I mean a LOT! And yet weight-wise I am within a pound of where I was one year ago today. That makes you think, right? All the ups and downs, diets and binges, athletic achievements and health crises, and I’m basically where I was, except a year older.

So I’m going to see what I can do about starting up again. I’m going back to meetings and I’m tracking, which is always the make or break for me. I’m starting some activity, but since I am under strict doctors orders, it is only walking for now. No running, definitely no ab work, and no weights.

In addition, I’m going to try to get back to this blog. It gives me a place to air out my thoughts and make sense of this journey. I also appreciate all the comments I’ve gotten over the years. I’m going to shoot for one post per week, which might be tough considering it took me three days to get this post published.

My, Your Hair Looks Terrific!

I haven’t posted to my blog for a while, but not for the usual reasons. Historically neglecting my blog usually means I’m off track and don’t want to face it, but this time that is not the case. If you’ve been following my twitter account (@fatnforty) you will see two types of posts regularly updated: weight loss (consistently since October) and exercise (less consistently but definitely there). So what gives? Why no posts?

Actually I don’t really have much to say. I still feel like I’m at the very begining of a long journey and this part of the trip is like driving through Oklahoma. (Once upon a time I drove cross country. The trip starts off interesting, and it gets interesting in places but driving through some of the middle states it gets boring… Miles and miles of cornfields, flat straight roads, and nothing to look at.)

I haven’t even gotten to the good part of the trip: when people start coming up to you and noticing how much you lost. I’ve lost 46 lbs (nothing to sneeze at) but so far no one who didn’t already know I was dieting has said anything about how I look. I’m not feeling sorry for myself; just statig a fact. I have sooooo much to lose yet, and it just hasn’t become apparant yet. I’m thinking when I get closer to the 200 lb mark people might notice.

What I am getting is lots of compliments on my hair. It is weird. I don’t do anything special to my hair. I haven’t had a special cut or color. But lately I’ve gotten lots of people telling me how good my hair looks and did I change it. This is my theory: people are noticing something different. They think I look better but can’t quite put their finger on it. No one ever want s to comment on a fat woman’s weight unless they are sure it is that. (Imagine if I were to say,
“No, I actually gained a ton!” Too embarrassing.
Too risky)

So the compliment my hair I do have nice hair. You can’t go wrong telling someone they are having a good hair day. So my hair is getting all the attention my hard working body deserves.

We who struggle with our weight need validation. It isn’t just me. I see it at my weight watchers meetings all the time. People can’t wait to share their weight loss. It is a problem for the members who make goal because they don’t have fabulous losses week after week. I’m trying to give myself internal validation. Hopefully if I can appreciate myself, I won’t need the external support to keep me going.

No answers today. Just lots of hmmmms.

20120321-222145.jpg

Competition

I am not a very competitive person. Okay, I am, but not as competitive as some of the other people in my life. But lately I’ve been doing very well on my health kick and I’d like a little credit for it.  Not from the people who are always supportive but for the world in general to notice that something amazing is happening to me.

First, I have been diligently attending and participating in Weight Watchers for the last 12 weeks. I have lost over 30 pounds in that amount of time. And not by chance but through careful and specific and strategic decisions. 30 pounds is huge! Sadly, at my weight, there doesn’t seem to be much physical difference in appearance. My pants are looser but I still wear the same size. My face to me looks thinner but few people who don’t know I’m dieting have noticed yet.

I’m not sure why the validation matters so much to me. It is nice to get compliments encouraging words from my family and close friends. And I tell myself that the only validation I need is from myself. This is about empowering me. But who am I kidding…

So this week I’m spending a little bit extra time with my business partner. He’s an older gentleman who has in the past year lost 80 pounds himself. Which is amazing. But he doesn’t follow the Weight Watcher’s method. According to him this miraculous weight loss has been achieved by just not eating anything fattening for the last year. (Actually he says it took four months to lose the weight but I know differently. Here is some of his diet talk:

  • I just cut out all the sweets and cakes and cookies and candies in my life.
  • I eat a lot of salads with either fat free dressing or balsamic vinaigrette.  I eat a salad every day.
  • All I eat is lean chicken no skin or turkey or fish. No butter, no oils, nothing fattening.
  • I’m not the kind a guy who can have just one small piece of brownie or one small piece of cake. If I have a taste I want to eat the whole thing. So I just cut it all out.

There isn’t anything wrong with what he’s saying. It’s obviously working for him. So why does sitting next to him in a restaurant make me feel like crap? I’m losing weight and I don’t have to eat that way. I can enjoy food. I can eat things other than salad and still be successful. But he’s the one who’s lost 80 pounds and everyone “oohs” and “ahhs” over it. And I feel like I’m just the fat girl sitting next to him.

After the business meetings were over he told his wife that I was trying to lose weight again. (Emphasis on again.) She looked at me a little quizzically. Oh, are you doing that Weight Watchers again? There didn’t seem to be a lot of confidence in her tone. Or maybe I’m just reading things into it.

It seems weird to me that I can be more undermined by somebody whose weight-loss journey is successful yet different from mine then someone who has not yet begun the journey or even considering it.  As empowered as I feel much of the time, I still have a lot of work to do to get there.

FAT: In Sickness…

This post is about 10 days old, but I haven’t really been up to writing anything because I’ve been sick. This is an unusual predicament for me because despite my weight, which all the “experts” claim is the cause of untold illness and a drain on the healthcare in our country, I am an extremely healthy person. I have LOW cholesterol, LOW blood pressure, and my body does a good job of handling sugar.

I have a high stress job, I have bad sleeping patterns, I am more than 150 lbs overweight. According to every health article I’ve read and every medical report on TV, I should have about 17 fat-related maladies, from diabetes to gall stones, but I don’t. I’m pretty healthy for a 45-yr old woman and I don’t have to take any medications. My only physical complaint is intermittent pain on my ankle, caused by a car accident in my 20s.

So when I got sick two weeks ago, my instinct was to just ignore it. I had severe pains in the abdomen, but I figured they would go away after a few days. I was wrong about that. When I stopped eating, the pain did get less severe, but I still felt a lot of pain. Finally my mother convinced me to go to the “Doc-in-the-box” which is our short-hand for the walk-in clinic.

Side note here: My regular doctor, the one I’ve been seeing since I was 18, retired this past year. I pretty much haven’t found anyone else yet. Being relatively healthy I don’t really need a doctor that much. I’m starting to think that might be a mistake. Also, I stopped going to the gynecologist when the one I was seeing told me I was essentially too fat to take birth-control pills. That’s a long story, but I will get to it later.

When I showed up at the clinic, and discussed the pain with the doctor on duty, she immediately said I needed to go to the emergency room. The placement, frequency, and intensity of my pain could be many things, she said, but she didn’t have the equipment to find out what. *Sigh* I really didn’t want to go to the emergency room. Luckily for me I have a brother-in-law who works in the ER, so he was able to get me seen without a long, long wait. I know how rare this is for someone who isn’t having chest pain or bleeding profusely.

The first doctor who looked at me asked me the usual questions about preexisting conditions, and when I said I had none, he gave me the typical doctor’s WYTBW look. Obviously I was crazy or lying. How could someone so fat, at my age, be in good health?

Am I projecting? Perhaps, but I don’t think so. I’ve had enough medical professionals tell me to my face that I was too fat to be healthy, despite any medical evidence to go along with that diagnosis.

Anyway, I was in the ER for 10 hrs. During which time they gave me morphine (what a lovely drug) to quiet the pain, and every test known to medical science to figure out what was wrong with me. Oh, first they scared the beejeebers our of me by letting me think I had pancreatic cancer (I don’t) or kidney failure (nope, my kidneys are fine). In fact, all the hospital professionals could do was tell me I had a lovely gall bladder (seriously, at least three people looking at my CT scans told me what a lovely gall bladder I have) and that while I was in intense pain, there was nothing wrong with me. My kidneys were good, my liver was fantastic, from the blood they drew, everything (everything) was in the normal range. I was about as healthy as a 40-something yr old woman could be. Well, except for the sharp, persistent pains, of course.

It took about two days more for a diagnosis to come in, and it is a relatively benign one. I have a hiatal hernia. Of course this is another ailment that is attributed to obesity, but it is not life threatening and usually managed with medicine and changes to diet. So now in order to keep from being in excruciating pain I get to give up caffeine, chocolate, carbonated beverages, citrus, acidic foods, fatty foods, and all that is holy and wonderful in the world. Lovely….

Of course there is an irony here, that this “disease” suddenly appears just when I’ve gotten my eating under control for the first time in 6 years. I mean I lose 16 lbs and  have already given up most fatty foods and big meals anyway, and then I get this weird stomach deformity? Figures.

Of course the real problem (in my warped mind)  is that this is totally messing with my diet:

  • First, the one thing keeping me on Weight Watchers the past month was enjoying what I am eating. I limit the portions and focus on really enjoying my food. But now 80% of what I like to eat is no longer on the menu.
  • Second, while I was sick I was actually fasting for about four days. When I did start to eat it was only about half my points for the first few days. This caused “fake fat loss” which means now that I’m back to eating my full points, things are going to even out. My head knows this, and that it will even out eventually, but in my heart it will feel like a sucker-punch. I’m dreading weighing in tomorrow. Even though I’ve been really, really on program this week, I know I will have a gain.
  • Third, getting this “fat-person” disease has been a blow to my ego. I don’t care how many people think I have a lovely gall-bladder, I was just starting to feel empowered. People talk about will power, but I think that is a lot of crap. For me, I need to feel self-confident and empowered to be able to lose weight. This experience just makes me feel small.
  • Finally, I’ve always used any excuse to get off-track before. I don’t want this to become my latest excuse, which is why I am blogging about it. Trying to dare myself to get past this.

Ok, so this was a long post. If you got all the way to the end without getting bored, Thank you. I hope to have more to report soon.