I just can’t tonight.
I just can’t.
I’ll try again tomorrow.
But not if I feel like this.
Pain shooting from my toes and up my legs. The small of my back cranking. Every bone. Every muscle. Did you know that was a muscle? It is and it hurts.
I walked 7,000 steps in heels. I walked 2,000 steps with a backpack and suitcase.
Nearly 12,000 steps in all
So not worth the pain.
This post marks 7 days in a row that I’ve posted. I admit I’m a bit rusty. Also it feels weird to be sharing my inner thoughts again. Luckily no one is reading this blog (except my mom) after being dormant for so long.
Today I got my walk in, but barely (10 days down; 20 to go). I had exactly 30 min between finishing work and the leaving for the movies. BF wasn’t too happy, but he got over it.
It was dark and drizzly and I didn’t have time to go to the gym. I strapped a light onto my knit hat and held a flashlight when oncoming cars would come. I’m supposed to avoid blacktop because it’s harsher on the heel pain, but sometimes you just have to make do.
It felt like the old days, before I ran a half marathon, before the chronic pain, when I was just trying to hit a million steps and would walk in all kinds of weather just to get those extra steps in. Before I had “friends” on my Fitbit app and I was the only person I knew who had a Fitbit. Before I turned 50, when I thought I’d never be a runner, or athletic, or fit. When all I wanted to do was be able to walk without huffing and puffing.
It was also a time when I obsessed about what I was eating, and how much, and when. And I was drinking coffee and diet soda (ok I had diet soda today, but just because we were out to dinner and there weren’t a lot of options. It really is a rare thing) and I was weighing myself obsessively.
This time I’m being really strict. Not only is there a no-scale rule and a no writing down everything you eat rule, but there is a don’t obsess about your food choices rule and a eat when you are hungry rule. There is also a don’t feel bad about what you ate rule. Sometimes I forget the rules a bit and have to remind myself… gently remind myself… kindly remind myself that the rules are there to protect me (from me). Then I pick myself up, dust myself off, and send me back into the world.
It feels pretty good.
Yesterday I almost didn’t get my 30 min walk in. The day got away from me so that the earliest I could get to it was 10 pm. It was rainy and icky out. I was really tired. But it’s only 30 min and I already brought my sneakers, I told myself.
Then I realized I had forgotten to pack up the most important thing: I carry a water bottle to the gym that has my Garmin watch, Bluetooth headphones, a sweat towel, and a scruncii to hold my glasses on. Could I really walk without these?
Yes, I thought:
- Listen to the rhythm of your breathing
- Enjoy the sweat as proof of your effort
- Repurpose your empty coffee thermos from this morning as a water bottle
- Rely on the treadmill to record your efforts
- Hold your head high so your glasses don’t fall off
It was a great moment in positive self talk. I found reasons to succeed instead of reasons to fail. I kept thinking if you let these little things defeat you now, how will you survive the big things?
On my way to the gym, with less than an hour before closing, my glasses broke. One of the temples (arms) fell off and into the abyss of my dark car. To keep driving (I am completely blind without my glasses) I had to hold them with one hand and drive with the other. I had no time to go home for a spare pair and still get my walk in.
Well, that’s it, I thought. I can’t see so I can’t walk. Just give up. This is a legit reason. More legit than no headphones and no water bottle.
But then I thought, Fuck It.
I want to get my walk in. Let’s see (hehe get it) what happens.
So I went to the gym and held my glasses with one hand to find the changing room and then dressed blind. Then I held my glasses to find the treadmill and to see which buttons to press. Once I got a good rhythm going I put the glasses into the empty cup holder (yeah, I left the coffee cup in the car after all that) and walked blind. I didn’t fall. I didn’t fail. I didn’t give up.
All in all it was a pretty great day.
Pursuant my previous post, I can’t tackle everything at once or I risk yet another failures. So I’ve decided to pick one goal each week.
I’m starting this week with accountability because it feels like everything stems from that. For me this means tracking: exercise, steps, food, caffeine, and sleep. I can’t see improvement if I don’t keep track. Notice I didn’t say weight, inches, or clothing size. If my goal is increased energy, those factors aren’t the right measures.
I have a Fitbit to track steps and feel fairly comfortable using the Fitbit app to track food and exercise. (Steps and exercise are not the same IMHO). But I think I can’t ignore those other measures, so this week my goal is to figure out the best way to track.
I’m also going to commit to weekly (or more) blog posts. I find blogging the best way for me to (a) work out my thoughts, (b) stay accountable and, (c) boost my mood.
I’ve tried to restart my running program about 10 times since getting the go ahead from my dr. Each time has failed, not because of injury but because of lack of energy. Here are my top reasons for lack of follow through:
- I’m too tired
- I’m too busy (work, family, politics, etc.)
- I’m too overwhelmed (see above)
- It’s too cold, gym is too far, workout clothes don’t fit anymore, excuse of the day…
- I don’t seem to be getting better.
I’ve tried to get back on track with eating about 100 times in the last six months. I know which foods give me energy and make me feel good and which foods give me food cravings and make me feel out of control. Here are my top reasons I fall apart:
- I’m too tired to cook, shop, prep food
- I didn’t plan for my day properly
- I’m in a lousy mood, so I just don’t care anymore
- I’ve already eaten the wrong thing, so what’s one more
- If it’s not about weight loss, why can’t I eat what I like?
It’s like a viscous cycle. I eat foods that suck the energy out of me and the. I have no energy. I don’t exercise so I have no energy.
In addition, I’ve gone back to drinking regular coffee. It started with just a cup or two a week, but progressed to the point where I get a splitting headache if I don’t have 2-3 cups a day.
After thinking about this for a couple of weeks, I’ve decided that I need a complete reboot. I need the human equivalent of turning it off and turning it back on again.
I went back to where I started, when the journey was just starting. I need to set small enough goals that I think I can achieve them. I need to take it much more slowly than I have been. Things didn’t break down in a couple of weeks; it was a gradual process of little slips.
I’m going to stop focusing on trying to be a runner so much. I’m going to put my attention on things that get my energy back.
So here it is ~ 30 days to reboot my energy:
I need to focus on things that will give me energy. Whole foods, not processed. Eating more proteins and veggies and less sugars. Avoid wheat. Cut down on caffeine. Move my body every day. Think about how to improve sleep.
I don’t have the answers now. I’m going to play with a few things and see how it goes.
2015 was a great year for me, health wise:
It may be the first time in my life that I maintained my weight (staying within 5 lbs) for a solid year. No drastic ups or downs – just clean eating (mostly) and pretty relaxed about diet.
I learned a lot about accepting my body this year. I’m appreciative of my health and not so wrapped up about my weight.
It was definitely a banner year for me in terms of meeting my fitness goals:
- I ran over 1,000 miles (1,023.3 to be exact) and walked over 4,000,000 steps (4,361,000, but who’s counting?)
- I completed my first half marathon in under 3 hours (2:35:58)
I have to be honest, I wasn’t sure I was going to make the 1,000 miles. The last few months the only thing that got me out running was the fact that I really, really, wanted to hit the 1,000 mark. It took me until late December, but I’m so happy I did it!
My third goal for the year was to write weekly about things I’ve learned. That didn’t quite happen. I used this blog quite a bit to get ready for the half, but then life, work, and other things took precedence, and I haven’t posted since September.
In all, I only wrote 9 truths and with only 14 weeks until I turn 50, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to (or even want to) meet this goal anymore. I am going to re-read the ones I did write, because I think it will help me get back into that head space.
The thing about meeting (or not meeting) goals is that you always have to set new ones. I can’t just repeat my goals from a previous year. Where’s the challenge in that? So here they are, my official 2016 goals for the year:
- Run 1,250 miles because I totally have to up the ante, and I want to commit to running at least 100 miles each month.
- Finish a marathon in less than 6 hours which sounds both totally doable and completely insane.
- Complete 50 hours of yoga because I see that my body needs more than just running, so this works out to about an hour a week.
- Grow something to eat. This one is a little bit out there, and was inspired by a cool blog post (10 Food Resolutions That Don’t Involve Body Shame). I do not have a green thumb, I never grow things, and I rarely cook, but I thought this might take me out of my comfort zone a little and I like that idea quite a bit.
So there you are! What are your goals for 2016?
Goals are important, but unless you are accountable to those goals, they may not mean much. Writing down your goals makes them more real than just thinking about them. Sharing your goals with others is even better.
There is no way I would ever be able to run 1,000 miles this year if I didn’t keep up with this blog.
I have several levels of accountability when it comes to my lifestyle changes. Probably the most important is this blog (and to a smaller extent my twitter account ). I don’t have an extremely high readership by any stretch, but once I post something, it becomes real to me. Sometimes I backtrack on what I write (yes, I made up with peanut butter) but the act of writing makes me more thoughtful on what I commit to.
Tracking is another great tool for me. I use Fitbit® and mapmyrun to track my daily, weekly, and yearly progress. I may want to skip a run or just stay in bed for a week, but just looking at my own numbers keeps me moving. For example, my daily step goal is 8k steps and many nights I’ve looked to see only 5k, 6k, or even 7,599 and decided I better just finish off my steps. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve taken an 11 pm walk just to get the numbers on my Fitbit over 8,000. Not just because friends and family are following me, but because the numbers remind me how important my goals are to me.
And it’s not just exercise. For the last two years I’ve written down everything I ate. It may seem strange since I pretty much eat the same thing every day, but I find that if I don’t write it down, it doesn’t count in my mind. No one sees my food log (and a food log may seem very diet-y for a non-diet person) but when I don’t write it down it is easy to fall into old habits and slip in the foods that de-rail me. For me, this also lets me be more non-diet. If I want to eat something not on my program I do and don’t worry about it. For example, on my recent vacation I enjoyed some brownies and an absolutely delicious piece of cheesecake. I tracked and moved on. No regrets, no guilt, and no pretending I didn’t do it.
And that is the ultimate accountability – to myself. Whether I track my progress or share my goals, I need to be honest with myself. I owe it to myself to invest the time and energy into myself.
Today I ran 13.1 miles for the first time. I say for the first time because my race is still 6 weeks away. I’m hoping to run this distance (maybe a little farther) a few times before the actual race. Even if I don’t, today was a big accomplishment. I proved to myself that I can do it (something I haven’t been totally sure of).
Today’s run was brutal. It wasn’t the “joy of running” that I frequently blog about. It was more like the “slog of running.” I had to wake up early (6 am) to try to beat the heat of the day. Even at that it was about 80˚F/76% humidity when I left the house, and in the high 80s when I finished the run. The first 6 or 7 miles were fine, but after that I really had to convince myself to keep going… Every! Single! Mile!
Most of what made the run difficult is my own attitude. I know it is hot, so I should run slower. I know that it is a longer run than what my body is used to, so I should run slower. I know that I beat my goal time (3 hours) by almost 17 minutes. Yet the nasty voices in my head wouldn’t let me just relax into the run. I kept pushing to go faster and the more I pushed the harder the run got.
Around mile 8 I noticed that my toenails were hurting. Really?? It was all I could think about for a good portion of the run. How my pinky toenails were going to fall off… Oh please could they just fall off and put me out of my misery.
Towards the end I almost gave up. I’m not sure what pushed me to go the last few miles. Maybe it was the knowledge that, good or bad, I was going to post about the run afterwards. Maybe it was the constant stream of positive self-talk, as I desperately tried to be my own coach. My mantra sounded something like this:
You can do it. Don’t fall. Don’t quit. Keep going. Just 3 more miles. Oh, I like this song. A little faster. Don’t fall down. C’mon, you can do this. Just 2 more miles. You can run 2 miles easy. Don’t trip. Watch out for that car. Keep it up. Just 1 mile left… and so on.
Whatever it was, I did finish the full 13.1. I was dripping with sweat. Every bone and muscle was sore. My toenails were painfully cutting into my toes. My stomach was starting to cramp. And I don’t know when I’ve ever felt that good.
And I can’t wait to try it again!
I’m not sure when it happened. I hated running. I always hated running. Didn’t I?
It was kind of a gradual thing for me. It evolved over time. Now I really love running. I really would rather run than walk most of the time. I like the feeling of pushing myself, and the little adrenaline rush I get from running. I actually even like the sweating. It makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something. I also feel empowered by running. Like I’m getting stronger with each step, even when I’m tired or in pain. It’s a rush.
The first thing that usually happens when I tell someone that I run or about a run is that they tell me why they can’t run. “I wish I could run but…” sentences. Here’s the thing, me telling you about my run doesn’t mean I want you to join my running cult (and, yes, it is a cult). I really just want you to find your own joy.
Running means getting back that feeling you had when you were a little kid, and it was just about the wind rushing against you. I only get that feeling about 5% of the time but I live for that.
I’m also really getting into yoga. At first it was because a running podcast suggested that runners who do yoga once or twice a week can improve their performance, but now I really love going to yoga class. Unlike running, where I think every single step (sometimes composing these blog posts), yoga pulls me outside myself. I focus on breathing and stretching and trying not to fall over. (I really do kind of suck at it).
If I had any words of advice for anyone trying to learn to love themselves is find something that you love that gets you moving. It doesn’t have to be running or yoga. It could be dancing, weight-lifting, walking, biking, swimming, or anything. As long as it give you joy. That is the only exercise worth doing.
When I saw the cover on this month’s Woman’s Running magazine, I immediately went out and purchased a subscription! Why? Because I felt so validated and inspired. This month’s cover showcases the beautiful and strong Erica Schenk.
I don’t think I look that good running, but this is way closer to me than any other woman I’ve ever seen on any other magazine. There is this myth out there that only thin women run. Or worse yet, that if you were really running regularly, you would be thin.
I don’t care if this is a stunt, or pandering, or whatever motivates a magazine to do something. Someone pitched the idea of a plus-sized model for the cover and other people said, “Yeah! That’s a good idea!”
Better than that, when they interviewed her they asked her real questions. “How did you start?” “Where are your favorite places to run?” “What gear is always in your gym bag?” In fact, only one question focused on her body size, and Erica’s answer nailed it:
WR: Too often people equate “runner’s body” with “super skinny.” How do you think that affects runners?
ES: Some women believe that since they have curves they can’t run or shouldn’t run. Running is for every body anytime. (Read more)
I believe in showing support with $$. If I don’t like your company, I won’t buy your product, no matter how good it is. This is a subscription I’m happy to pay for!