Long Run Long Time Coming

I planned a long run today. I planned on getting up early to do it, but that didn’t happen. I spent several hours talking myself in and out of running at all. But finally I put on the gear, and that really is half the battle. 

I’m really glad I did the full 3.5 miles. This is farther than I’ve been running, but not by so much that I’m overdoing it. I have a plan on MapMyRun that will slowly increase my distance over the next few months. I don’t have an end game right now. It might be 6 miles. It might be 10. If all goes well it might be more. I’m taking it cautiously and am cautiously optimistic as well. 

The real test will be how I feel tomorrow. 


Wanted: Endorphins

My daughter used to say running was my drug of choice, and there was a certain truth to it. I loved getting that “runner’s high” and that kept me going. Signing up for longer runs, running faster, were just ways I chased better highs. 

I’ve been noticing lately that I don’t love running the way I used to and I’m starting to think it has to do with releases endorphins, or lack thereof. 

Today I had the closest thing to a runners high. It showed up in the last half mile of a 2.5 mile run. It wasn’t enough to get me to extend the run. More like a runner’s hiccup rather than a runner’s high. 

I’m not sure what exactly triggers runner’s high. It isn’t strictly a distance or pace thing. I know some runners who never get them (sorry mom). I just know that what flipped me from being someone who runs to a “runner” was largely based on those chemicals that literally make running worth the pain and effort. 

So if you want to know what I’m chasing when you see me running, now you know. I’m chasing my runner’s high. 

Ode to a Not So Bad Run

3 miles is better than 2
14:12 is better than 14:30
45 degrees is better than 34
3 runs this week is better than 1
Feeling that little, tiny flower of empowerment
        rising in your gut through the ash of cynicism and self-doubt
                    is everything.

Recovery has made wax poetic. Not sure why. 

Today was better. My running was better. My emotions were better. My expectation that I might run again this week, that I can get past a “bad run” was better. Just knowing I can get through a bad run helps me get to the next one. 

I’m sure I have many more bad runs in my future. But I also believe they will be followed by better runs. And maybe out there… way, way out there… are some good runs. 


I’m not having the best week. Work is hard. Working out is hard. Food issues and body image issues that I thought were behind me are creeping up again. In general, life is hard. 

But now I’m taking care of me for a few days. 3 vacation days (plus weekend). Starting now, I’m taking 5 full days where I’m turning off emails, politics, drama. I’m looking to feed my soul. I’m focusing on friends, loved ones, family. 

We aren’t going anywhere. I’m not setting up a “to-do” list. I may or may not run. I may or may not sleep till noon. I plan on having a lot of sex and alcohol may or may not be involved. 

Most of all, I’m taking a vacation from judging me. To celebrate, I’m taking a beautiful sunset walk. Lots of pics. Lots of rests. Lots ofcontemplation and introspection. No thoughts of shoulda, coulda, woulda. 

For five days. Ready? Set. Go! 

Ode to a Bad Run

It’s too early.
I’m too sick.
     everything hurts
It’s too cold.
    too snowy. too icy.
I really dont want to.

OK, I’m dressed.
Are you happy now.
   Two pants.
     Three sweaters.  
        Wool socks. Gloves. Hat.
It’s still too cold. 

One mile.
That’s all I’m doing.
   breathing hurts
   is that a cramp
How can I run?

…well it is pretty,
I’ll give you that.
But I’m too slow.
I’m dragging.
I look ridiculous.

Isn’t it supposed to get easier? I’m not having any fun. 

One more mile.
I’m not kidding.
that’s it. I’m done. I…
huh? Look at that… 

I’m done

I guess it’s better than no run at all. 

Snow Day Workout

cat-in-snow19Does shoveling snow count as one of my weekly workouts? My fitness app doesn’t include it as a setting but I’m seriously counting it.

christmasThursday we got a huge snowfall that kept most sane people in-doors. I looked at the snow and decided to leave it right where it was. I was happy to use the day in the house as an excuse to take down my Christmas decorations (don’t judge, I’ve been busy).

Friday was really cold out. Most people managed to go back to work but I took advantage of my job that lets me work from home. I stayed indoors, drank waaaay too much coffee, and never made it out of the house.  Every couple of hours I checked the weather app that assured me that Saturday would be much warmer, and thus a better day to get rid of the piles of snow. Maybe most of it would melt off. (Have I mentioned I really hate the cold?)

no-appAnd I was right, mostly. It was much warmer yesterday so a lot of the snow melted. Also I was able to work without being so bundled up; I worked in just a sweater, no coat. Also, the ice was easier to dig up.  On the other hand, the snow that was there was very wet and therefore very heavy.

At some point I picked up something the wrong way or moved the wrong way and pulled something.  So now I have this sharp pins-and-needle feeling running from my lower back, down my leg, and into my heel.  It is incredibly painful so I’m skipping my workout today which means I’m not meeting my weekly goal this week.

melting_snowNext time I’m just going to let the snow melt naturally.

Beach run

If I didn’t live near a beach, I most likely would never have started running.  Running gives me an excuse to go to the beach in February. 

I love running on boardwalk over pretty much any other surface. I love running in air that tastes salty. I love listening to the waves crash as I cool down and stretch. 

Driving home from NYC after work can take anywhere from 1.5 to 3 hrs, depending on which part of the city I’m coming from, how early I get out, and general traffic conditions. 

The beach is considerably colder than the mainland, and the sun sets very early in winter, so running on the beach is often a matter of timing and luck. 

Even though I was cleared to run for a while, I didn’t get going as fast as I could have/should have. It has been months since the weather conditions and my own sense of timing provided me with the opportunity or inclination. 

Today was the day, though. Weather was unseasonably warm, despite the fact that we are due for a blizzard tomorrow. I made it past the Queens border by 3, clearing my way to hit the beach before the sun went down. 

And so I ran… for sheer joy it seems. 

Week 1 Goal Met

Thursday’s cross train was tougher than I expected. 16 min of an work left me with 2 days of everything aching. I had planned to rest Friday and run yesterday but ended up not even walking either day.  Part of it was a work crisis, but mostly I just felt ick.


This is how my brain has been working the past few days. My sense of empowerment is outnumbered!

Two days rest was enough for the nagging nellies in my head to gain control and tell me what a failure I was.

So this morning I decided to shake it off and start over (again). New week, new goal, new chance to do it.

And then I checked my Fitbit and was shocked/thrilled that I had met my weekly goal after all.

img_0340Apparently Fitbit starts the week on Monday, not Sunday. You would think that after 4 years I would know that, but since I’m always willing to think the worst of myself, I guess I forgot.

So despite all the things I had said and thought about myself I had, in fact, met my goal. 3 runs, 1 cross train in the week. So I’m putting The Fierce Queen in my brain back in charge again and sticking Doubt, Fear, Shame, and Despair back in the corner where they belong.


Everyone’s happy when the Queen is happy!

Cross Train

If I learned anything the past 6 months is that I can’t train by running alone. I need (according to my phys therapist, research, and pretty much anyone I speak to):

  • Alternate cardio (bike, elliptical, walking, etc)
  • Strength train (weights, core work, etc)
  • Stretching/roller

What is this thing?

So today I took a turn in the gym. 17 min on some weird machine I never saw before (like an elliptical but sideways??) and 16 min strength work (abs & legs). 

It is my least favorite thing to do, but I’m glad I did it. 

To TCS or No?

maybeIt’s February 2, which means I have less than 2 weeks to decide if I want to sign up for the NYC marathon.  I was so excited last year as I trained hard, only to have my hopes and dreams dashed in August. Injury prevented me from making it to the November race and even now, I’m only a few days into running and I’m starting to feel the tightness in the calves.

My head says “no way!” I mean it makes no sense to even think about it. Maybe… maybe I could do a half by the end of the year, but a full marathon?

But then again…

The way it works is this: I deferred last year, but I can’t defer again.  If I sign up and don’t run, I will have paid twice, but I don’t get another chance next year.  If I don’t sign up, the chances of me making the lottery again in a future year is pretty slim.

Look, I know there are other marathons. Probably some really fun ones.  Maybe I could think about them.  But it is kind of hard to give up on the dream all together.

So I think the next 14 days are going to be like the time between buying the Lottery ticket and hearing the numbers drawn. I can dream about what it might be like, plan out a running schedule, and pretend like this even has a chance.

But I’m pretty sure the odds are about as good as winning the lottery.