Tap Dancing On the Scale

The scale does not define you.

I’ve lost a total of 65 lbs since Nov 23. What I’ve gained in that same time is even more important.

So  this week I had a big scale moment. I hit the 200 lb mark. I’m not sure why this particular number holds any meaning to me, but I can’t help it. In my brain, 200 lbs is the difference between normal fat and really fat. If I am more than 200 lbs I’m really fat. If I am under 200 lbs I’m just normal fat. I write it knowing how crazy and wrong it is.

I actually never expected to get here. When I started this “cold turkey” plan it was just a lark. I’m just going to do something until I can work myself up to dieting again is what I was thinking. But something happened along the way. I started to get in touch with my body at a more personal and profound level. I started thinking about the foods I was eating and changing my relationship with food and with my body. And it is working like nothing I’ve ever done before.

I don’t feel so broken right now. That isn’t just losing weight – I’ve lost weight before, lots of it, lots of times. The difference is that this time I don’t feel like I’m fighting the weight off. I’m just focusing on being the best me I can be, and as a result, my body is getting stronger, and leaner, and healthier. One of the many side effects is losing weight.

Dear Diet, It's not me, it's you. I just don't think it's going to work between us. You're boring, tasteless, and I can't stop cheating on you. I don’t know if I will continue to lose weight. I suspect at some point I will reach a weight and stay there, but I don’t know. If I need to make adjustments at some point, I will do that, but not to lose more weight. I do know that right now I can’t imagine ever giving up on this food program because I feel so good and in control. Even if I never lose another pound, I never want to go back to the haze of food cravings and sluggishness.

Everyone I tell thinks I’m crazy. I eat the same thing every day. How can that not be boring? I never eat the fun foods, like pizza or chips. Here’s the thing, though — I’m not really tempted. The other night, I had dinner at my mother’s and she had a big bowl of chips out. I ate one. No, seriously, I ate one chip. In the history of me, have I ever eaten just one? I’m not even sure why I ate the one. I guess it was so long since I ate a chip that I wanted to try it and see if I still liked it. And it was fine, but it wasn’t great. It wasn’t so amazing that I had to eat a handful, or a bowlful. Or more.

And that seems to be the wonderful side-effect of this program. I can walk down the cookie aisle at the grocery store and not even think about buying or eating a cookie. And that feeling is one of the best feelings I’ve ever had. When I stop feeling this way, I will come up with something else, but for now this is working so I keep doing it. The same thing. Every day.

 

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