So what I’ve been wondering is how much longer can I be “fatnforty”?
I could have sworn I started the blog before twitter, but the Internet doesn’t support my memory. When I go back in my blog, the earliest incarnation seems to be 2010. Even when I check with the Way-Back Machine (super cool site, btw) nothing before that shows up. Maybe I had a different blog back then? Or it had a different name? Or my memory sucks and I don’t know what I’m talking about…. One of those.
I clearly started my twitter account in 2008, since you can go back in twitter and read every post. I came up with the name when I still had most of my 40’s ahead of me. Who could have predicted that twitter would be a thing 6 years later? Don’t get me wrong, I still have two solid years of being “forty-something” but as I get closer to 50 I start thinking, will I have to change my twitter name? I don’t want to change my blog… I mean, I’ve only just begun to really get it going.
It was kind of sad reading back over some of my old twitter posts, from the early years.
Some of my posts were funny, but in a sad, desperate way:
Many of my posts were about my inability to deal with or control food:
And surprisingly a large number of them were about alcohol, which is weird because I don’t remember drinking that much.
(I don’t drink at all anymore, but can’t tell you when I officially stopped):
I don’t even recognize that person anymore. Without realizing it happened, I have changed so much.
The thing that I find saddest about these old posts is how obsessed I was with getting thin, as if my very happiness depended on it. I make almost no mention of getting healthy and don’t seem to have the slightest concept of self-love, that I now feel is imperative. I also can’t believe how many times I wrote about how hungry I was. All the time…. hungry. How can you be fulfilled if you are always hungry? How could you ever stick to something long-term when you are always hungry.
What is surprising to me isn’t that I failed in all these diets, but that I was able to maintain them for so long, often for months and months, despite setbacks, hunger, self-doubt, and no self-esteem. I want to take that person I was and tell her things she ought to know, like:
- It is more important to be strong than to be thin.
- Healthy comes at every size.
- Real food nourishes the body; diet food diminishes it.
- Running is empowering.
- Your ability to stick to a diet or weight loss scheme doesn’t make you good; it doesn’t change your value as a human at all.
- Someday you will come out the other side and see a bigger world for yourself.
I don’t think she can hear me, thought. She is probably too hungry.