This post has been a long time coming. Months actually. I’ve rehearsed the content over and over in my mind of what I wanted to write, but I wasn’t quite ready to commit. So much has changed. If you follow my twitter (@fatnforty) you know I’ve tried so many things. I’ve been exercising, eating new things, trying to be more accepting of who I am.
Over the past year or so I’ve started (and not finished) many posts, trying to explain where I was and where I wanted to go. But I wasn’t ready to share.
I think now I am. Too much has happened but here is a brief timeline of my thinking, and the results that it brought on:
- In which I lost weight slowly but surely. This was 2012. There were several months of really doing well on Weight Watchers (the old standby). I started running several times a week (beginning what would be a complicated relationship with exercise).
- In which I did everything right but still gained weight. This was the end of 2012. It turns out there was a legit medical reason why I was gaining weight, but I didn’t know it at the time. I saw several doctors who told me I was fine and didn’t believe me when I said I was exercising and dieting but still gaining weight. I was angry and depressed. I also thought I was going a little bit crazy.
- In which I very sick. Cue one year ago. I thought I might have cancer. I was freaking out. I was pretending it was no big deal, but I was seriously freaking out.
- In which I almost died. I was supposed to have an operation to see if it was Cancer but I had a major reaction to the antibiotic they gave me and nearly died. And then I had to go back a few weeks later to actually have the surgery. It wasn’t Cancer, but I was in too much pain to really appreciate it. It took me weeks before I could walk more than a few steps. Food was whatever I could keep down. My weight was such a non-issue. All I wanted was to be able to walk a quarter mile without feeling like I was going to pass out.
- In which I thought I could go back to my old life and routines, but I was wrong. I tried over and over to start up diet again, but my heart wasn’t in it. I think the health scare crossed some wires. I ate as if I was never going to eat again. I did keep working on my exercise. Slowly adding distance and speed.
- In which I decided I wouldn’t care about diet, but just focus on exercise. I joined a gym. I wore my fitbit. I worked out three, four, five, or more days a week. I went one month where I did over 10,000 steps a day for 30 days. I accepted I would always be fat, but if I was fat and could run two or three miles, I must be healthy, right?
- In which I overdid it and wore myself out. I actually ran 8 miles one day. It was not good. I overdid it. I didn’t feel it until I stopped, and then I couldn’t move. I didn’t run for a week. Then two weeks. Then I slowly started over, working my way up to a mile again, as if I had never done anything. I got a personal trainer, tried yoga, started stretching, but kept myself in check. Never running more than 4 days per week. Increasing distance slowly.
- In which I realized that I had gained a huge amount of weight. Exercise alone wasn’t cutting it. Food was becoming a terrible addiction. I didn’t like how I was eating. Clothes weren’t fitting and exercise was getting harder, not easier. I needed to do something.
- In which I am trying something unexpected, and I think it is working.
More to follow.