Never Give Up, Never Say Die.

I’m back to the same place I always get with whatever diet I happen to be on. How to deal with the food you shouldn’t have eaten. Here’s the thing:

I don’t really feel bad about the “good cheats.” You know, the 1/2 piece of homemade birthday cake at a party, or the filet mignon in a top-class steak house. I can plan for them, eat and enjoy, and not feel bad the next day. Likewise, I’m pretty cool with my  occasional alcohol consumption. I can eat, drink, and be merry and as long as I don’t incur a hangover, I move on. But what about eating something I shouldn’t have, that I don’t really enjoy.

Last night it was seconds on turkey breast and broiled potatoes and ok, they were fairly low-calorie cheats, but I sure as heck didn’t need seconds and it wasn’t like it was the best food on earth. For the past few weeks I’ve had some pretty good success with moving on after a “glitch.” But I don’t know how long this feeling is going to last and I happened to know my temptation quotient is rising as my resistence level is falling. I want to

nip this in the bud before I get myself off track again.

Here’s the history. I eat foods I don’t like. I overeat foods I only marginally like. I eat foods when I’m not hungry. I eat more food than I need to be satisfied. I eat foods when I know I shouldn’t. I have no idea why I do these things. *sigh*

The above paragraph pretty much sums up my whole weight issue. When I’m not dieting this can be an all the time thing. When I am dieting, this can be an occasional thing that totally derails me until I’m effectively not dieting again. OK. That’s the problem, but what is the solution?

I have been trying to make these lapses ok. I tell myself that I’m not shooting for perfection (despite being a card-carrying perfectionista) and that working these bumps into my life is the whole point of it. And today, I feel like it is okay. But I’m also afraid. I’m afraid that I’m fooling myself. I’m afraid that I’ll fail. I’m afraid that I’ll never be satisfied with what I see in the mirror. I’m afraid that I’m old, and ugly, and fat and who the hell would ever want me again… [[Never mind, I’m closing that closet door before the fear takes over this blog.]]

Monster in the closet

So my resolution for today is “Never Give Up, Never Say Die.” No matter what you do, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and put down that cookie because every day is filled with 1,000,001 decisions that effect your health and your weight so you can’t be expected to make the right decision every single time. Just do your best. And don’t quit.

—–Gee, I almost believe myself. 🙂


The Pants Thing

Here’s a fun thought. You wake up (too late) and realize you never did your laundry. You should have left the house 10 minutes ago, but all your “business” clothes are strewn on the floor and in no condition for wearing. Quick, what do you do. 20 lbs ago I would have sprayed febreeze on a pair of over-ripe pants, swung an iron over them, and hoped for the best. That, or made my silky black sweats “pass” for a pair of real pants.

Today, I had another option. I opened the left side of my closet. The side reserved for clothes that don’t quite fit but that someday, hopefully, I will. (This is not to be confused with the box of clothes that don’t come close to fitting and that only those living on the water of “da-nile” could ever think will someday fit).

I scrolled through the possibilities and found a pair of pants that I remember fitting me last fall. Quick mental math (I gained 30 pounds this past year, but now have lost 20 pounds) and gave them a try. Lo! and Behold! the pants fit. I was able to wear them — comfortably — and was out of the house in 20 minutes. (Someday, if you are lucky, I will write about my quick-change abilities) I was afraid, by the end of the day that I would be uncomfortable, but I really wasn’t. The truth is, the pants fit.

Now I can look at the left side of the closet with eager anticipation. 10 more pounds for that skirt. 20 more pounds and that dress will fit. My thoughts wander occasionally to the box in the back of the closet, but since I’m all about realistic possibilities these days, I try very very hard to focus on those that are close (clothes) within my reach.

Hasta la pasta!

My Daughter is Losing Weight

In a previous post I lamented how much my own bad eating habits are effecting my daughter. Bad enough she inherited my genes, but also my eating habits. While she has always been a bigger than average girl, she was never really fat until she hit puberty. To say she developed curves is an understatement, but mostly the curves were in the right places. At thirteen she was busty and hippy, but not really fat. I never really wanted her to diet. She looked healthy and had a good self-image.

Then, about a year and a half ago she had some serious issues which caused her to go on some serious medication. The doctors all agreed that weight gain as a side effect would be bad, since she was on the high side of normal to begin with, so they tried to find drugs that least effected her weight. They failed miserably. In less than six months she had gained over 60 lbs. At 15 years, she had stretch marks on her arms, legs, and belly. It was heart-wrenching. Worse than that, her eating behaviors were triggered. The child who always left a little something on the plate, now scraped every bite. She hid food. She snuck food. She ate portions that were outrageous. She would finish eating and say she was still hungry.

The medicines literally saved her life, but the cost was very very high. A year later she has been off the offending drugs for about 9 months. She still takes about 5 different medicines, but not the ones that triggered the eating and weight gain. It took a long time for the effects to wear off. I knew things were getting better when she started leaving food on the plate. She really wanted to diet and we tried a few times, but dieting takes commitment to long-term goals, and since my daughter is autistic, that isn’t something that she can really understand.

But I noticed lately that something is happening. She is losing weight. She is slimming down. I started paying attention. She still eats candy, cookies, and other “bad” foods, but only at appropriate times. Her portions are less, naturally.  She is losing weight by going back to her natural eating habits. It is very slow, so slow I nearly didn’t notice until her jeans started falling off her butt. She and I have talked about it and we both agree that eating healthy and watching portions makes more sense than “dieting.” She feels badly about the stretch marks, and we are trying some cremes for that, but I feel like I have a lot to learn from this girl who isn’t dieting, but, in her own words, “only eating when I’m hungry.”

Halloween came and went. We have a giant bowl of candy sitting on the counter. On Halloween  I think she ate two pieces of candy. Yesterday and today, she had one piece each day. She looks at it, selects what she wants and moves on. Now I watch her and am trying to learn from her. I have a way to go.