For the record, I was simply looking for a hotel room that cost less than $100 per night and where my feet didn’t stick to the carpet. My last no-name motel was not a winner. This time I lucked out. The room has an in-room jacuzzi and a fireplace. And it is clean. And it doesn’t smell like smoke. I’m sure the room is billed as a romantic couples something or other, but I’m here with my daughter so I’m trying not to think about what the last resident did here.
I didn’t realize that there was a mirrored ceiling in the jacuzzi until, well, until I was looking up at myself in all my glory. Thank God I was alone because I yelped – – actually yelped. Then I cocked my head to the side (I know I did because I saw myself do it) and tried to figure out what was wrong with the image. It took a second to realize that the mirrors were tiled which gave me the illusion of being about 6 feet tall and having two belly buttons.
Once I was able to mentally adjust for the line across my middle, I actually looked at myself naked. It isn’t as though I don’t have mirrors in my bedroom. I have several and they are big, but I realized as I looked up at myself floating in the ceiling that I rarely look at myself nude. It was something I did when I was younger, but no longer do. I don’t think it so much a “fat” thing as an age thing. I think as you get older you are less amazed by your body. So now I gazed up at myself. I’m actually at my largest ever size-wise, but I feel like I’m a “good” fat. Some people might be horrified by my saying that, but there are different types of fat. My skin is fairly taut over the fat. There are few stretch marks and not a lot of dimples. My skin is fairly smooth for my age, no wrinkles and the only stretch marks are nicely hidden below the flap of fat hanging from my belly. It isn’t horrible to look at when it is laying in the largeness of the tub, not squirting out of too-tight pants. My skin is so pale I can see the blue veins showing through, except for a few areas that are currently dark red from sun-burn. (see my earlier post).
The previous paragraph is not one I could have written even two months ago. Writing this blog and reading posts by similarly minded people ( I’ve included a list of some of my favorites at the bottom of this post) has been very liberating for me. I’m not sure what effect, if any, it has had on my corporal form (I’ll save that for a later evaluation) but spiritual it has mad me lighter. To me, this blog is a bit like looking at myself naked in a ceiling mirror I didn’t know was there. I’m looking at myself more as a person, rather than a fat person. I’m seeing beauty in me and that has been extremely empowering. This isn’t where I expected to go with this blog, but I’m starting to be glad of it. It is more realistic and it is more me than the diet journal I expected. I’m very glad I found this space.
I’d write more, but I want to get back in that jacuzzi. If you are looking for something more to read, try:
There are many more that I read, but these are the ones most likely to get me thinking, crying, or wanting to give someone a hug. Hope you like them too.