On wanting thin…

refrigeratorWhen I started looking for other weight loss blogs to bolster me and give me a direction, I was shocked (appalled, even) to see the large number of Anna sites. I had heard of “anna” (people who aspire to or desire to be anorexic) but I didn’t think it would be such a big, big part of the web. I mean how many could there be, really? I guess I’m naive…

Reading posts by these girls that are so obsessed with being dangerously thin makes me want to examine my own motivations. But first, a few promises I have made myself:

  1. I’m not going to use this blog to post how many calories I’ve eaten in a day. I have a livestrong.com to keep track so that I don’t trick myself into thinking I’m eating less than I actually am, but this blog has a higher intellectual design for me.
  2. I’m not going to put life off until I lose the weight. I’ve done that before. I will buy new clothes when I lose 10 pounds. I will get my hair styled when I I’ve been good for three weeks. I did that before only to find that if I wait until I’m a certain weight, I’ll never do it. Plus, to paraphrase Popeye, I am what I am. Today and every day.
  3. I’m going to have a realistic expectation. When I was at my thinnest (about size 6) I was 145 pounds. (All the Anna’s out there are crying for me). Some women are very heavy at that weight, but for me it was a pretty good weight. But that was before I hit the big 4- 0 and I’m not sure I can get to that weight again. I’m not sure I should get there again. It was really hard to maintain that weight and while it felt great, size 8 felt great too. In fact, any size in which I can walk into a regular store and buy off the rack sounds pretty good to me.
  4. I’m not going to be a dieting Nazi. Last time I was sooo good. It really made me feel superior to eat all the right things and do all the right things. That is, until I didn’t any more. The problem with feeling superior is that there is a very fine line until you fall into inferior. So I’m just going to do my best… as best I can.
  5. Which brings me to number 5: I’m not going to put off until tomorrow yadda…yadda…yadda. It is a cliché, but it is a true cliché. Every day I waste on shoulda’ woulda’ coulda’ is lost time. And part of the forty thing that I’m only starting to get is I don’t have all the time in the world. I’m not old, but I’m older. I don’t know why I keep forgetting that I’m not a kid anymore, but there is an expiration date on this life of mine and I don’t want to say miss out.

All of these promises have to do with why I want to be thin (or at least thinner than I am now). I think I’m passed the point of wanting to be sexy. I wasn’t sexy at 20, so no amount of weight loss and exercise will do it for me now.

A big thing is the clothes. I mean, I’m not a fashion plate, but I really, really hate the fat clothes.  Why is it that I can’t find a bra that fits me other than white, beige or black. Victoria’s “Secret” is that she doesn’t make bras to fit my size! (Don’t even get me started on that One-Size-Fits-All crap)

Ok, so thin girls get better clothes. What else? Well, there is the huffing and puffing. I just don’t have as much energy lugging an extra 90 pounds around. My nephew weighs about 90 pounds and I can barely lift him! Give you something to think about. When I was thin I could run up and down stairs without thinking about it. Now ever step aches.

A big thing is that I think the extra pounds make me feel my age. Why is forty-four such a big deal? My Mom is 66 and she ran a half-marathon last year. My grandmother walked one when she was in her eighties. I want the energy and umph that comes with being thin.

So, is that it? Better clothes (check) More energy (check) Feeling younger (check)

Ok… I’ll fess up. There is one more thing motivating me. My ego. (I have a pretty big ego). I hate (I mean HATE) to fail at anything. I’m a perfectionist of the highest order. I like to be the best, the brightest, the smartest. Being thin gives me confidence in so many other ares. Plus, I hate being invisible.

Ah…. The naturally fit don’t understand this. How can someone who is over 200 pounds be “invisible.” But it is true. The heavier I get, the less people can see me. I get looked over, passed over, disregarded. Fat people are on the edges of society. The fatter you get, the less important you are, socially, professionally, etc.

Well, I guess that’s all for now. I didn’t think this one would be so long, but there it is.


2 thoughts on “On wanting thin…

  1. let’s not forget about flying on planes or going to the movies, the seats feel better when we are thinner. Also, smaller clothes cost less and when smaller we can go into a store and buy something without trying it on. When I was think I could do that, heavy, no way in heck I can even tell if something will fit without trying it on first.

    Being invisible sucks, we are spectacular people and we should be seen.

    I am all with you about the “not putting off till I’m thin” thing. I had wanted a real nice corset for years and when I was think I said when I reach my goal I will buy one. That never happened because my goal was unreachable, unrealistic. So this year, having gained everything back I said no, I am buying one now, and when I lose weight again I will buy another.

    It is not if I lose weight, but when I lose weight.


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